Thirty Days of Honesty - Days One and Two
I "met" Uma Bode in an online business training course we took together over the winter and we've been following each other's journey since then. She recently decided to write for thirty days about what is true for her. That day. In that moment. She said, "I’m going to write every day for 30 days, about exactly what is real for me." For some reason, that struck a chord. Perhaps it's the discipline of writing and putting something out there in public every day. Perhaps it's the idea of just telling the truth about what's real for me that day....and not being too concerned about whether that might change tomorrow. I'm not sure. It feels both exciting and scary. A stretch for sure. But I'm in. For the month of July, I'm committing to writing here about what's true for me. In that moment. For that day. Even if it's just one sentence.
And....I meant to start yesterday. :)
I mean, I actually DID write yesterday. But in my journal. And then I woke up and realized I hadn't actually put it out there as I meant to. Resistance already? On day ONE? Sigh.
So - here's what I wrote yesterday(Day One):
"I woke up in the night as I often do, with thoughts floating through my head. Last night's thoughts were about fun. In just a few days, I'll be starting a new job and my time will once again belong to someone else. I thought about how I don't want to spend my last few "free" days working or thinking about working. I want to allow myself some fun. And then I thought, "What's fun? What's fun, for me?" And it made me sad to realize I really don't know. I thought about how I was told recently that part of my work in this lifetime is to reclaim my joy. I thought about how Colleen Attara says her most important work is to be inspired. I found (again) the work of artist Lynn Sanchelli and fell in love (again) with her whimsical, inspirational style.
Colleen has a style. Lynn has a style. Many other artists I follow have a recognizable style. They have found their joy and their voice. In contrast, these days, my work feels all over the place. I feel all over the place. And maybe part of the reason I'm finding joy and peace (and fun!) elusive is that I have a hard time committing to things - that I am wishy-washy, lukewarm and unclear about so much.
Even my faith feels wobbly these days. I'm not exactly sure WHAT I believe anymore. I feel like so much in my life is unmoored. Free-floating. Deconstructing. How can I have lived fifty-five years and STILL not know who I am? What I believe? What I want?
And still.....one thing that is true for me today is that I believe there is a being - made of light and love and energy - who created me. Who knit my pieces together in a very specific way to form this....me. And this being knows me. S/he knows all there is to know about me, even more intimately than I do myself. I believe that I belong to this being - God - and s/he belongs to me in ways that are mysterious and beautiful and that I may not ever understand. And that's okay. I also believe that God loves me beyond measure, wants the best for me and has committed to walking beside me, even if I can't always feel the Spirit's presence.
Now....I just need to practice getting out of my own way."
So, there you have it. Day one above.
And here's Day Two....What's true for me today is that I am leaving for a four hour road trip to Virginia for my nephew's graduation in just a few hours. His paternal grandmother lives near me and doesn't drive, so I've agreed to travel with her there and back this weekend.
What's true for me is that my introverted self feels uncomfortable about the trip. About being in the car with someone I don't know for so long. What will we talk about? What music will she like? How often will we need to stop?
And here I am, already getting in my own way...again. I can imagine and anticipate being uncomfortable, or...I can imagine and anticipate that it will be just fine. That I will get to know her better and gain a new friend. Choosing this for today.
I'll let you know how it goes.